Hold On
by MoonlightGardenias
Summary: He has a hard time with words when it counts but this time he knows it's important. Caskett, post Knockout.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **I know this is one of the inevitable hundreds of post season fics that will pile up in the next few days. But I had to do this. I started it the second the episode ended (well, to be fair, about a half hour later, after I was done freaking out), and I don't know if I'll continue or this is it. I just know that I had a picture in my head and it refused to go away.

Comments are appreciated. And as always, Castle isn't mine. I just take the characters out to play.

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><p>If there was one thing Castle hated it was the smell of hospitals.<p>

They smelled liked death. And lemon cleaner. There was a time when he would've made a joke about not knowing which was worse but he knows now is not the time.

He's counted the ceiling tiles and paced the floor more times than he would care to admit. He's on his fourth cup of crappy hospital coffee and knows that if he scowls or barks orders at another nurse that he'll be kicked out.

Her dad stopped in for a bit earlier but had to leave. Whether there was a legitimate reason or he couldn't stand seeing his daughter in the state she was Castle isn't sure but if there's something he knows it's that he has to keep his promise.

In a really screwed up and twisted way considering she's already been shot, he thinks, but he told him she'd be safe and she has to be.

He stares at her sleeping form, almost as if the simple act of doing so will force her eyes open. The steady beeping of machines attached to her along with the rise and fall of her chest are proof that she's alive and breathing but it could never be enough.

The door opens and he looks up to see Lanie. Her face is instantly drawn to the sleeping woman in the bed and he's preparing his answer before she even asks the question. "How's she doing?"

"As good as can be expected," Castle replies. There is nothing good about how she's doing and every second that she's not awake is a second that he slides closer to insane but somehow saying the words make the possibility more real. "I told her."

Lanie frowns, confusion clouding her brow as she lifts her gaze from Beckett's sleeping form to his face. "Told her what?"

"That I love her. Maybe it was stupid, maybe I could have picked a better time but-"

"You're damn right you could have picked a better time." Lanie replies, realizing only a second later that it maybe wasn't the way she should have responded. "Sorry. You can't blame me really; I've only been waiting for this moment for the past three years."

Castle smiles but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. "You aren't the only one."

The room settles into a dull silence, the two of them standing like soldiers on opposite sides of Beckett's bed, both searching for the slightest sign of movement. "She'll wake up, you know. She's a fighter." Lanie says before picking up her hand and giving it a squeeze. "Come on, girl. Wake up."

Castle nods because he knows she's saying it to comfort him. To make him feel better about whatever it is that's happening. He's supposed to be the one who knows what to do, who has a way with words and yet now he has no clue what to say.

And then he sees it. The slightest hint of movement on her face. The trembling of her fingers.

"Beckett?" he cries before grasping her hand. "Kate? Kate, can you hear me?"

Light. Voices. One voice, she realizes, and there's only one person it could possibly belong to. Her limbs feel heavy, like they're weighted down. Her mouth feels dry as she opens her lips. "Ouch."

Lanie smiles sadly, stubborn tears refusing to fall. "I'll get her doctor."

Castle hears her but it doesn't register. All that matters is that Beckett is awake and her eyes are opening and even though the room will in all likelihood become a flurry of activity within minutes he needs to hold on to this moment.

"Castle…"

He silences her by pressing a finger to her lips. "Don't talk yet, okay? Lanie went to get the doctor. You're going to be fine," he says, though he's not sure if he's saying it more for her or himself. He kisses her forehead before pulling back, nodding quietly. "You're going to be fine."

What happens next is a blur to him really but before he knows it he's back in the hallway with Jim Beckett on one side and his mother on the other. He can see Lanie standing further down the hall, talking in hushed whispers with Ryan and Esposito. What they're talking about he's not sure and at the moment it doesn't really matter. He hears the sound of Jim clearing his throat and he tries his best to steel himself for what he knows is coming.

Martha seems to sense the mood shifting and so she moves abruptly, mumbling something about fetching a cup of tea before heading down the hospital corridor.

"Thank you."

The words from the older man come as somewhat of a shock. "What? I didn't keep my promise. You asked me to keep her safe and I failed."

Jim Beckett shakes his head because he recognizes the look written all over Castle's face. "The doctor said if the bullet had been a few inches to the side it would have punctured some of her vital organs. But you saw something, Mr. Castle. You saw something and because of that you saved Katie's life."

There is a lump in Castle's throat and no matter what he tries to do it refuses to go away. "If I…if I would have been a few seconds quicker Kate wouldn't have been shot in the first place."

"You're right, she wouldn't have. But _you_ would and the fact you were willing to take a bullet for my daughter says a lot about you."

Castle's opens his mouth to respond but before he can say anything the door to Beckett's room opens.

"Ms. Beckett is awake and alert," the doctor begins, holding up a cautionary hand as the five people before him quickly begin to inch closer. "I'll be honest with you, though; she's weak. She needs her rest and because of that I have to ask that she only has one visitor at a time. And whatever you say, make it quick. Ms. Beckett needs all the sleep she can get to help her get through this."

"_Detective_ Beckett," Ryan mutters as the doctor makes his exit. He knows there's no reason and yet saying it conjures up images of the strong-willed, independent woman they all know her to be. It's something they'll need to help carry her through the next few weeks.

Time passes. Minutes really, but to Castle every moment not spent at her side is another moment left to relive the horror of her blood slipping through his fingers and onto the bright green grass at the cemetery. Martha returns with another coffee for him which he lets turn cold on a table next to him. Quietly, people shuffle in and out of her room, first Jim and then the rest of the team.

As much as he doesn't want to he can't help but notice that one person is missing. In all of the chaos surrounding Beckett's shooting and consequential transfer to the hospital one would think her supposed boyfriend would make an appearance and yet Josh is nowhere to be found. He wonders what that means, if anything, because right now he's not sure what he'd do if he happened to finally show his face.

"Castle," Esposito's voice wakes him from his trance. "Beckett's asking for you."

He sees Esposito standing with Lanie just outside Beckett's room. Slowly, he stands up, hoping the composure he's tried so hard to keep will remain intact. "Thank you."

Before he disappears into the room he locks eyes with his mother. "You should go home. I haven't called Alexis since earlier this afternoon. She'd want to know."

"Richard," Martha begins, an argument about waiting so they can ride home together dying on her lips because she knows anything she says will be met with a fight. "_tell her_."

When he turns around and shuts the door he can feel her eyes on him before he even looks up. She looks smaller somehow, and paler too, but she's Beckett just the same. "Hey."

"Hey," Beckett replies in a raspy whisper. It's obvious that she's tired but trying to hold out, but for what he's not certain. "are you going to come sit down or are you just going to stay there over by the door all night?"

"Right, of course." Castle replies, almost absent mindedly. He clears the room in a few quick steps before sitting in the chair he occupied for hours just a short while ago. He scoots it closer to the bed and yet despite their close proximity he can't bring himself to touch her. Now that she's awake it's like that line is back in place; the line the divides who they are and who they could be right in half. "How are you, Kate?"

"I've felt better." Beckett answers. He's not even looking at her and that's something that's so not like him. "Castle…"

The feel of her slender fingers trying so hard to grasp his makes him jump a little. "What? What do you need? Is everything okay?"

Beckett laughs a little only to wince at the feeling of pain that spreads like wildfire across her abdomen. "Making me laugh probably isn't a good idea, Rick."

He nods in understanding. After waiting few seconds to search her face for any signs of pain—well, any more than can be expected under the circumstances—Castle settles back in his chair. Their hands lay laced together upon the bed and he wouldn't let go even if he wanted to.

Beckett closes her eyes and lets out a sigh. Memories of the last few days are foggy and she's not sure she understands everything yet and yet there's one thing she remembers clearly. Her tongue darts out to moisten parched lips. "So Castle, after everything that's happened, I have a question for you."

There's a hint of something in her eyes that he can't quite place. She's always been the mystery he could never solve and now is no different. "What's that?"

"Do all the songs make sense now?" she asks, the words flowing out like they're the most natural thing in the world and yet she knows they carry more weight. She watches as he furrows his brow, collecting information from some recess in his mind and the moment he looks back at her the breath in her chest catches a little. This is it, she knows, because after everything that's happened there is no way they can go back.

He knows he should answer her. Give her something to hold onto regardless of the outcome and yet the words don't come. He knows as much as Beckett does that they're standing on the edge of a cliff they can't jump back from. Of course he wants this—wants _them_—but he doesn't want to hash out their entire relationship in a hospital room when she's probably not even aware of half of the things she says.

A nurse opens the door, momentarily breaking the tension. "You're still here? Mr. Castle, you need to go home."

"I can't." Castle replies instantly, his voice leaving little room for budging.

"Rick, you should go home. Alexis needs you." Beckett tells him. She tries squeezing his hand again, this time a little lighter than the last.

Something about it breaks through to him and he nods reluctantly. "Fine. But if anything happens-"

"If anything happens to me, they'll let you know." Beckett replies. She tries to smile but the medication the nurse came to give her is taking over and her eyelids feel heavy. The door shuts quietly as the nurse leaves the room.

Castle scans her face, trying to read something that will help him piece everything back together. Instead he slips his hand free, picks up his jacket from the spot he left it in the corner and heads to the door, stopping only when he hears her voice.

"Castle?"

His body freezes and he counts down a few seconds before turning to face her. Her eyes silently ask him the question she's still too afraid to voice. He knows it's not over. There are still things to talk about. Conversations to be had. But for now all she needs is an answer. "Yes Kate," he answers, a smile finally gracing his face at last. "they do."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **So, here you go. The end is intentionally a little open ended, mostly because at this point I could still continue but I also feel like this is an ending too. Part of what I love about these two is that they have a habit of not addressing things head on but that's also something that gets a little frustrating, so I tried working a little of both sides in here.

I hope that you enjoy and as always, if you have any ideas please let me know. I had a quick beta glance at this so there may be a few mistakes but if they are the fault is entirely mine. Reviews are welcome. Just press that pretty little button...

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><p><em>The cemetery was bathed in a layer of warm sunlight. It was in complete contrast to the somber emotions felt by everyone in the audience and yet as Beckett looked up into Castle's eyes she knew that this it was not the end. They would find a way through whatever happened next.<em>

_But then something changed. She knew the look in his eyes; the way his eyebrows knit together while they discussed a case and he was close to figuring out an answer. He saw something._

"_Kate!"_

_What happened next caused her heart to clench tight in her chest as Castle shoved her to the ground just as the shot rang out. Beckett closed her eyes, waiting for the inevitable pain of a bullet tearing through her flesh. But it didn't come._

_Confused, she carefully rolled over only to see Castle's body laying rumpled a few feet away. "Castle! No!"_

_Blood. So much blood and even as she held her hands to the wound to stop the bleeding it kept pouring through. "Hang on, do you hear me? Hang on." Beckett cried._

"_They're on their way," Beckett hears someone saying, but the voice is too far away for her to care who was speaking. "Castle, you hear that? Help will be here soon."_

"_Not soon enough," Beckett muses, her eyes growing cloudy through unshed tears. She lifted the back of her hand to her forehead in an effort to move stray hairs out of the way. _

"_Kate, there's something you need to know…"_

_Castle's weak grip on her arm scares her. "Rick? Shut up, okay? No talking. You need to save your strength."_

"_But I-" Castle winces, trying his best to put on a brave face. "I gotta admit if it weren't for the fact I have a bullet lodged somewhere inside me this would almost be romantic."_

_Beckett opened her mouth, ready to yell at him for not following directions but as his name fell from her lips she felt hands tugging at her, pulling her away from his body. "No! No, I have to see him. I have to be with him. Castle is my _partner_. No. Please…"_

"No!"

Beckett's eyes fly open and it only takes her a few seconds to realize it was all a dream but then the reality of what actually happened settles in. Groggily, she feels around in the dark and tries making sense of her surroundings.

She can make out a few things around the room—a table, a painting on the wall, a plastic potted plant—and she realizes she's in her own home. It's too dark to see the time on the clock but she knows it must be evening at the least.

How long had she been out? Days? Hours?

Gingerly, she lifts up the hem of her t-shirt and feels the edges of the bandage taped over the wound.

_The bullet wound. Because I was shot, not Castle. _

It's this revelation that brings everything back. Her father had helped her home from the hospital five days before and had been hovering around ever since. Not that she wasn't grateful for the help of course but the fact a certain mystery writer had yet to make a visit made her increasingly concerned.

Though it takes great effort she finally forces herself into a sitting position. She vaguely remembers a conversation with her father about him going out to buy groceries and a refill of her medication, and even though she's not sure how long ago that was Beckett knows she only has one chance.

"One, two, three…" she whispers aloud. The pressure of standing causes pain to radiate through her entire body but it's manageable. She wraps an arm around her waist and hopes she's making the right choice.

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><p>Considering the fact it's a Friday the Castle household is unusually quiet, what with Richard busying himself in his office and Alexis in her room, so with no relatives to entertain Martha relishes a few moments of peace while sitting near the window with a drink in hand, content in watching the storm outside.<p>

The sharp knock at the door breaks her from her reverie. Expecting a take-out delivery man or perhaps another of Alexis' friends, she opens the door with a smile which quickly morphs to a look of concern upon seeing the crumpled woman standing in the doorway. "Beckett?"

It's not until this moment that she begins to wonder if coming was a bad idea. She came in search of answers but staring at Martha she is no longer sure of the question. "Hello, Martha. I realize it's late, but could I-"

"Nonsense, darling. Come in." Martha replies, opening the door for her to walk through. Once inside the extent of the grief in the detective's appearance is more visible. The shirt she's wearing is rumpled and practically soaked, presumably from the sudden downpour. And, Martha realizes just a moment later, a small bloom of blood is growing bigger on her side. "Oh. Detective Beckett, you need to sit. Come, sit on the sofa. Richard? Richard, could you come out here for a moment?"

"I'm sorry, Martha. I don't want to cause any trouble." Beckett replies but it's to no avail because a few seconds later Castle appears in the living room, concerned blue eyes honed in on her. "I'll be fine. My bandage must've…loosened on the-"

"She's shivering. Richard, could you hand me the-"

"Yeah, of course. But first we're fixing that," Castle says, gesturing to the blood stain. "Kate, come with me."

Beckett wants to protest but doesn't. The look of worry in his eyes makes her afraid because until that moment she didn't think it was that bad. She follows him into his office, wrapping her arms tight around herself to avoid both the cold and the pain. "Why are we in here?"

"I have a first aid kit in my desk. Long story." Castle replies, already rifling through the drawers. He points to a chair for her to sit in. When he turns to face her he swallows hard, debating on what to do next.

She seems to read his mind because she reaches out a hand only to grit her teeth and pull it back. "I can do it."

If he wasn't so worried he would probably laugh. It's just so completely her to want to take care of herself despite barely being able to stand, though he knows it is that same determination that got her into this situation in the first place. "Beckett, just let me-"

"No, I can take care of myself. Just give me the first aid kit and I'll get out of your hair." Beckett refuses, shaking her head as she pretends to pick lint off of her pants. Anything but look at him because if she did she knows what she would find there.

"Kate," Castle calls her name softly. He waits patiently in hopes she'll look back at him but when she doesn't he walks over, placing the kit on the ground at her feet before hooking a finger under her chin, lifting her face to his. "Kate, you came here for a reason. I'm not sure what that reason was but I'd like to find out, and I won't be able to do that until you get fixed up. So, can you please let me take care of this?"

Reluctantly, Beckett lifts her shirt up just enough for him to access her bandage. She hears him take in a sharp breath and she has to bite her tongue in an effort to not do the same.

Kneeling down before her Castle hesitates, looking up into her eyes. "Do you trust me?"

His fingers are so close to her skin they're practically touching. She nods. "Always."

Carefully, he starts peeling away the tape and pulling back the gauze. The wound has already begun to heal but nothing could've prepared him for what he saw.

Beckett feels his fingers on her skin and starts to shiver. She tries telling herself it's because she's still dripping from the rain from outside but knows it's a lie. This is the most intimate they've ever been and it took her getting shot to get here. When he peels back the gauze completely she feels him hesitate. Cautiously, she wraps her fingers around his, helping him peel the tape away.

"Thanks for the help."

Beckett runs a hand through her damp hair, closing her eyes as she tilts her head back. "That's what I'm here for."

Shortly after cleaning her up Castle hands her a shirt—and older one of hers she realizes, and she tries thinking of the last time she stayed there—before fetching a glass of water and a couple aspirin tablets. He comes back to see her curled up in the corner of the couch, blanket draped carefully around her shoulders and even if he feels a little guilty he can't help but think of how much she looks at home.

"Take these," he says, handing her the pills. "I don't know what else you need, but-"

"Castle," Beckett nods her head and offers a smile. "I'm fine. Thanks."

Castle seems to believe her so he sits down close enough to be there if she needs it but far enough away that they're not touching. "So, now that that's settled, do you want to tell me why you risked your life in coming here?"

The light mood that had been in the room moments before quickly vanishes. "If you had bothered to come and see me I wouldn't have had to. Lanie, Esposito, Ryan…even Montgomery's wife. They all came to see me. Alexis even called me, which is something I was surprised by, but you-"

"She called you?" Castle asks in surprise, not bothering to hide the fact he actually felt it was a good thing. He sighs and prepares himself for the next question. "And Josh?"

She knew it was coming and yet as she hears him ask it just makes things more difficult. "I broke up with him. A couple of weeks ago, actually. You said it yourself, Castle. There's no sense staying in a relationship with someone I don't love."

A thousand questions swim through his mind and he's not sure which ones to ask. He knows her, knows she doesn't say or do anything unless it's needed, and so he can't help but hope she means more than she's admitting yet. "What are you getting at here? Do you want me to apologize? Because I am. Sorry, I mean. Considering what you just said, I suppose it was for nothing, but I was giving you the space I thought you needed."

"You tell me you love me and then you walk away. What am I supposed to make of that?" Beckett replies, this time hitting the spot they have so delicately been avoiding, leaving no room for hedging out of it. Though it hasn't always been her style she needs to know the answer.

They're at a point where one wrong move could send everything crashing down. The world they've worked so hard to build, whether they realized it or not, is suddenly dependent on what he says next and though he's aware of that Castle still isn't sure of how to respond. His mother was right when she said he had a hard time with coming up with words when it actually counted. "You nearly died right in front of me, Kate. Do you have any idea of much that scared me? I'd never seen that much blood before, at least coming from a living person."

Beckett's eyes widen a little but she hopes it isn't noticeable. The last thing she ever wanted was to scare him and while she knows what happened wasn't her fault she can't help but feel a little guilty. "Castle, I'm sorry. I dragged you into all of this. If I would have listened to you, we wouldn't be here right now."

"Do you really think I believe that? You and I both know you're not going to stop until you figure everything out. All that I ask is that you act a little more carefully next time. You're not alone, you know. I know you think you always have to be the one to do all the chasing but you don't have to do it alone."

She's torn because while a part of her is still angry at him she also realizes this is his way of telling her what she's always wanted to hear.

"I didn't walk away, you know. I mean, _literally_ I did because I left the room," Castle smiles a little at the obvious nature of what he said but his face grows more serious when he looks back at her. He's not sure how she'll react and it's probably too early to say anything because he hasn't found much yet but she still deserves to know. "I have connections. Not super shiny NYPD ones mind you, but connections. I've been looking into what happened. I want to find him. I need to-"

"Rick, you can't-" Beckett begins to argue; to tell him he has no idea what he's getting himself into. But then the phone rings, shattering the tension in the room. She wraps the blanket tighter around her shoulders and hugs one of the couch pillows closer. "I think you should probably answer that."

Castle blinks, looking surprised in a way to hear the phone ringing, but also feeling a little aggravated at the fact it would choose this moment to sound off. "Right," he muses before picking it up, not bothering to check the screen for who was on the other end. "Castle."

Beckett watches as his eyes form a look of concern, probably due to the person on the other end.

"You would be correct in that assumption. Yes, I understand." Castle replies. He turns his head, blues eyes fixing on brown. "Yes, I'll do that."

"What?" Beckett asks after he hangs up the phone. "That was my father, wasn't it?"

"It's late, you need your rest." Castle offers as a reply. He stands up, picking up his jacket from its spot nearby. "I'm taking you home. Don't argue."

The fact he knew she was about to even with his back turned should make her frustrated. She doesn't want to stop the conversation now because if he was about to say what she thought he was then of course she wants to know more. "Castle?"

He stops in the middle of the room, watching as she struggles to stand up, wondering whether or not he should help. He chooses to offer her his hand but not forcing her to take it. "Yeah?"

Beckett wait until she's standing to speak. "I just…whatever it is that you think you've found, you need to be careful. And don't think that just because you're doing this means I'm not angry at you. But…thank you."

Castle feels her hand squeeze his tightly in reassurance. "I wouldn't have it any other way. Come on, let's get you home."

She could blame holding his hand on the fact she's hurting—and if she's being honest, it really is partly due to that fact—but as they make their way outside Beckett finds that she doesn't want to let go.


End file.
